Fidget's Dad

It's been a hectic few days. We just found out on Wednesday night that Fidget's dad has a tumor on his brain. His full body scan didn't reveal any other sites, so it seems he falls in the 1% category of people who's primary site is in the brain.

Prayers, positives thoughts, happy vibes welcome.

Why is Everything a Fucking Competition?

If you have pain--your friend, professor, uncle, whoever will attempt to tell you how much more pain they have.

If you're good at a subject--a classmate, friend, professor, etc. will find a way to communicate the message that they're better.

If you try to do a good deed for someone--they will find a way to show you that no good deed goes unpunished.

(This list could potentially go on forever, but I will assume that my dear reader has gotten the idea.)

Why is everything a fucking competition?

Why can't we simply be happy for one another, compassionate towards each other, and grateful for what we have? It's really so simple!

One-ups-manship doesn't help anyone, and it hurts everyone.

Try it for a day. Go out of your way to say "Thank you" to someone who's done something nice for you--it needn't be extravagant, a phone call with your voice connecting with their voice (not a damn machine) saying "Thank you". When someone tells you that they're leg is broken, don't let your first response be: "Oh, I remember when MY leg was broken..." Pull your head out of your ass and allow yourself and them to focus the moment on them. Maybe later you can commiserate with them about broken bones, but let them have their moment. Third, be grateful for what you do have: no matter what it is, find a way to be grateful for it.

I do pretty well with thanking others, and I try to focus my responses on the compassionate, it's the gratitude for things that sometimes gets me. When my electric bill is sky high (a topic for another post), I try to be grateful for electricity in my home and for having it available. Doesn't always happen before I get pissy and run around the house unplugging appliances, but the key here is PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.

Just my .02 for the day.

Boring Update

We had Fidget's brother and sister-in-law over last evening. Tried to grill burgers, but the wind was just too much and we ended up broiling them. Had a great time, they are such wonderful people. A perk of moving is that we'll be living closer to them, so will hopefully get to see them more often than we do.

I am padding around the house in my pj's and robe today. It seems I caught some kind of a tummy bug. ICK! Came on last night, but I'm feeling a little better this morning. Will try some crackers later.

In school news, I'm working on about a bazillion different things. We're closing in on the end of the semester, so all the profs have to get their last minute exams in before finals...in addition to the projects and papers and such.

Fidget's still loving her new job. There was some family drama for her yesterday, created by her mother. Fidget tries to blame herself for her mother's actions/emotions, but is realizing that she is not responsible for her mother's anything. Good for Fidget!

Medications and Life

So I've been struggling with major pain issues for a few months now. Some pain is due to old injuries, some is due to arthritis. So I went to a new doctor (because my "usual" doc moved away last year, and I hadn't bothered to find a new one. He's someone Fidget has worked with, knows and trusts. He was very nice. He gave me a new three pill cocktail that I take several times a day. (Well, 1 I take twice a day, 1 I take once a day, the other I take 3-4 times/day). It does take care of my pain.

It makes me a nonsensical fucking zombie. I have 2 evening classes (with the same professor), that I was having trouble attending because I couldn't sit for 3 hours (and walking during breaks only made it worse...trust me, I tried everything. I even stuffed pillows in my sweats one night, thinking it would help my hip pain...no go). I let my professor (he prefers to be called "teacher" because it makes him seem more approachable and less scary) know, and he has been wonderful. He's letting me do one of the classes completely in a different format...Fabulous. I can't tell you the pressure that took off. The other class...he's getting the notes for me from another student so that I can still take the tests and keep up with the class that way. He's a godsend. (He probably needs a name here...um...I'll call him MentorMan.)

My problem is that I have so much respect for him that I value his opinion of me. I worry that he'll think I'm a slacker, or am trying to slough off on my homework, which is definitely not the case. If I had known that 3 hour classes would kill me, I wouldn't have signed up for them. Now I know, so I won't do it again. I try to show that I'm honest and accountable. I try to excel in any work that pertains to his classes. I try to do "extra" research and reading, so that I'm on top of what's going on in class. I email him regularly.

Part of me is honestly ready to just say fuck it. Finish the semester and quit school. I'm surrounded by people who care, who tell me this would be the worst thing I could do. I'm torn.

Part of the problem is that one of my majors (I have two) is one that I don't think is a good fit...Justice Administration. It's nothing like what I imagined it would be, and I can't see how I will use most of it in the future. But...if I drop JuAd as a major, then I lose MentorMan as my adviser...and god knows who I'd end up with then.

What I really want are degrees in literature and secondary ed. I would love to teach high school English. Or work with books, at least. Next semester I'm taking a few lit courses to "try it out".

I'm feeling like I did before I got clean...I was an addict for a number of years. The problem is that, without insurance, I can't afford the expensive meds and the labs that come with them, so the types of drugs that I'm taking now are pretty much the only alternative to pain.

My doc suggested only taking classes/working during the "good" times of my day...That leaves me trying to cram everything in between 8am and 4pm. He has told me that he can change my med (I think there's one in particular that's making me zone), but that it's the lesser of the available evils. I have a drawer full of narcotics...vicodin, oxy, vistaril, xanax...you name it, I've got it. I don't like to take them because they make me "not me". (Actually, the vistaril is left over from an allergic reaction I had last fall.)

I'm trying anything and everything that's being suggested to me, that sounds at all reasonable. I'm using therapeutic grade oils, dietary supplements (vitamins and such), not eating white bread, not drinking caffeine, etc.

I can't remember much that happens after about 6 or so in the evening. Apparently, I'm witty and coherent...I just can't remember it.

I can't go off the meds, because the pain is to the point of being unbearable (and I have a very high pain tolerance). Anyone out there have any other suggestions? Feel free to email or comment below.