Hodge Podge...and a Reader Question

We're having the whole gang here for Thanksgiving again this year. It was so much fun last year, we hope it will be the same this year. There have been some changes to the characters on the playbill this year, so we'll see.

My family (all 3 of them...quite a contrast to Fidget's thousands of relatives) aren't coming. My uncle is ill so they are staying home. So it will be Fidget's mom and dad, bro and sis-in-law, the sister-in-law's brother's kids (6 months and 3 years old), Fidget's 3 boys and of course Fidget and I will be there unless we decide to run away from home in the middle of things.

My goddaughter is in the Navy and had to choose between coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so she won't be coming home until mid-December.

Fidget and I have discovered the stress/pain connection: the more stress I am under, the more unmanageable my pain becomes. So...I dropped 2 of my classes and will be going to school as a half-time student until we can get the pain under control. I refuse...REFUSE...to live my life on narcs. I'm not going through another bout with drug addiction--I did that once, and once was enough for me. Besides, I'm dopey enough most days without the chemicals--imagine if I were any dopier? ;-)

A reader asked: "What's it like to not have parents, especially on/around the holidays? How do you get through the holidays?"

Good question. It's tough, for me anyway. I don't pretend to speak for anyone else here. My dad has been gone 3 1/2 years, Mom's been gone for 6 1/2 years. I still really, really miss my mom. There are so many things I wish I would have said or done when she was alive. I wish I would have spent more time with her when I moved up here instead of pursuing my own stupid social life. Go to the bar or spend 5 minutes with mom? Bar with my friends. I was 22 when I moved here, so I was young.

I wish I would have stayed longer the last day I saw her awake and alert...but dad wanted to go out for dinner, so I went with him. I would give ANYTHING to have that day back. Mom even asked me to stay...I told her I was heading out with dad, but that I'd see her in the morning. Mom woke up the next day long enough to look at me, say "I love you"...and that was it. When does it get easier??? I run through those couple of days over and over and over, especially around the holidays. I think about all the times I came home from work, changed clothes and left to go out with friends instead of spending time with my mom. God, sometimes I never even said hello. Just yelled "Love you, bye!" as I ran out the door. I digress...

How do I get through? Watching Fidget's boys grow up. Spending time with them, trying not to "hang around" too much--but trying to be there "enough" so that they know how much I love them. Realizing how precious every moment is--the giggles and tears that we share, the milestones, the discussions, the rewards and punishments. The heart-to-heart talks, the "I hate you's", the "I love you's", the snot and puke, the fevers in the middle of the night, the bad dreams that need a hug, a hug from a 13 year old boy who doesn't care that his friends are watching. The silly, mundane things: the 13 year old who thinks the car I bought his mom is "Awesome, I can't wait to drive it!!" (and the resulting heart palpitations at the thought)...the same 13 year old who calls my car a "grandma car".

The 10 year old who wants to wait just a few more minutes before he comes in...so he can catch the sunset. The 8 year old who's bladder hasn't caught up with the rest of him, but who knows that there is no judgment in our home (unlike at his dad's, who makes him wear a diaper at night). Having the 10 year old tell me that he thinks I'm a hero...while his brother yells at me in anger that he hates me. Knowing that before the day is over, likely the hour, the yelling brother will be in my arms sobbing--because he really does feel bad that he might have hurt my feelings.

Watching them all learn about the unconditional love that makes it all work. There is more laughter than tears; more discussion than yelling; more honesty than fear, even in wrongdoing. That's what gets me through. There is nothing more amazing than the perfectly imperfect love that a family shares. That's what gets me out of bed when I hurt so much that I just want to lie in bed and cry. That's what will get me through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and anything else that might come my way.

May you all be as blessed as I am...and may we all remember to take a moment or two in the hustle and bustle of it all to be grateful.